As you might know, the Warriors are having a pretty good season. They are 56-6, Steph Curry is on the verge of back-to-back MVPs, and the team has caused even non-NBA fans to sit up and take notice. And while Draymond is redefining what it means to play the 4, and Steph is having an unbelievable season, one person has captured America’s hearts and minds: Steph’s mouth guard.
Up until now, the Warriors most famous piece of protective dental equipment has refused all interviews and kept a low profile. But after weeks of phone calls, e-mails, and one restraining order from his publicist, I have secured the interview that everyone wants, but only we can get.
Q. Mr. Guard, first, what an incredible season! When did you know that this could be something special?
Steph’s Mouth Guard: Well, obviously, last year was amazing. But weirdly, people were still doubting us. All those morons on First Take were talking about how we didn’t have to play any great point guards and Spurs got knocked out by the Clippers, and we basically just beat LeBron and a bunch of scrubs. Like that’s easy by the way! So it left a bad taste in our mouths (no pun intended). I think early in the pre-season we all had that fire. That extra motivation. Obviously the undefeated run really helped us keep focused.
Q. But nobody was really listening to those idiots on First Take. Everyone loved the Warriors, was it really that big of a deal?
SMG: Well, look, it felt like a big deal. I mean Phil Jackson was calling us out during the first round of the playoffs last year for kind of struggling against the Pelicans. Hey Phil, how you like our pace and space now? How’s that triangle working for ya?
Q. Still a little salty about that one huh?
SMG: Warriors don’t forget man. A lot of the same people who made fun of Steph for chewing on me all the time are now coming around wearing Steph jerseys asking for my autograph. Where were they when we were walking? Now we’re running game and got the whole world talking!
Q. Nice Kendrick reference.
SMG: Yeah man, that new album is fire.
Q. For sure. I want to talk to you about the streak at the start of the season. It was a lot of fun to watch from the outside. What was it like to be on the inside?
SMG: There was a lot of chewing. It was rough. But I’m there for Steph, you know what I mean? Sometimes in a tight game, he really starts chewing on me. And that’s fine, that’s what I’m here for. I can take it. That Boston game almost killed me though. I think that’s how Milwaukee managed to get us. We just didn’t have anything left in the tank after that game. I know I didn’t. I had to meet up with the training staff, get bent back into shape. On a back-to-back night like that, the fit just wasn’t right. I didn’t really fit between Steph’s teeth like I usually do. I put that Bucks loss on myself. I should have worked harder with the training staff to get back into shape. It won’t happen again.
Q. How would you define your role on the team?
SMG: Well, obviously I’m there for Steph. My job is to support him and be chewed on when he needs to chew on me. Especially at the free throw line. That’s really my time to shine. And I feel like it’s been a pretty successful year in those situations. Steph is shooting .909 at the line, and I think the balance he gets from chewing on me, as well as the stress relief is a big part of that.
Q. Interesting. Tell me more about that.
SMG: Ok, well, you know how sometimes if you’re taking a test, you can focus better when you’re chewing gum, or if you have peppermints or something?
SMG: Well, same thing. Only increase the difficulty and pressure by a thousand. That’s what I help bring to this team, focus.
Q. I’d like to give you the opportunity to address your critics. There are people in the world who are grossed out by your relationship with Steph. They support the traditional view that mouth guard’s should stay in the mouth. Would you care to respond?
SMG: Look man, I’ve been hearing that my whole career. Nothings changed. It’s the same haters saying the same things. Talking about how “Steph’s not a true point guard” and “Chewing on your mouth guard all game is gross” and on and on. Listen up. All you haters need to listen to me right now. We are 56 and 6. We are the defending champions. What have you done? You’re out there thinking you’re so perfect. Like you don’t chew on your pen at work, or your nails? You try knocking down free throws in front of 20,000 people AND national tv! Have you ever squared off against LeBron in the finals? It’s not easy. You got to do something to deal with it. So you can say all you want, write all your blogs about me but we’re up here, and you’re down there!
Q. Isn’t that a reference to the 1996 movie The Rock? Doesn’t Ed Harris yell that?
SMG: Alcatraz baby! Bay area for life.
Q. I think we’ve gotten off track a little. Final question: can you guys really beat the 96 Bulls record? Can you get to 73 wins?
SMG: Look man, I’ve been with Steph from way back in the Davidson days. I was there when Minnesota passed on him TWICE. We’re locked in like never before. I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in. My plastic polymers are as strong as ever. We’re ready for this. Dub nation is ready for this. I can’t guarantee anything, except that nothing will ever happen to Steph’s perfect teeth, but I can promise you this: we’re ready.
Q. Thank you for your time and good luck tonight with the Jazz.
SMG: Thanks man! It’s a big matchup for me against Gordan Hayward’s hair gel so I appreciate it.