How Do I Talk to My Children About the New Clippers Mascot?

These are trying times in America.  There is a water crisis in Flint, the threat of ISIS looms large, #oscarssowhite, Batman v. Superman is probably going to suck, and now, this:


What the hell is that?  How are we supposed to raise children in a country where THAT is the mascot for the second NBA team in the City of Los Angeles?  Did we learn nothing from the New Orleans Pelicans murder bird?  A generation of children in the Bayou have been terrified by that thing and now Chuck the California Condor comes into our lives?  Have no fear parents, we here at California Stars have a step by step guide for talking to your children about Chuck.

  1. Safety first. It is important to keep your kids safe and that requires arming them with knowledge.  You need to make sure your kids know never to get in the car with Chuck the Condor.  Unless you live in the downtown LA area, or frequently rely on NBA mascots to get your kids home from school, this shouldn’t be a problem.    Still, it’s good to start a dialogue with your kids about which mascots to trust and which to avoid.  If a mascot gives you an “uh oh feeling” then it is important to trust that instinct and tell a teacher.
  2. Chuck, probably, can’t hurt you. Look, if you aren’t a Clippers fan, then Chuck most likely won’t be in your home stadium.  That’s important to remember.  For most of America, Chuck is just an image on the TV, and you can close your eyes if you get scared.  Kind of like the snow monster in Frozen.  If you have floor seats to Clippers games though, well, you’re screwed.
  3. Why does Chuck have a helmet and knee pads on? No one knows.  It’s one of life’s beautiful mysteries, like Santa Claus or where babies come from.  It’s true that no one in NBA history has ever worn a helmet during a game, but that’s just part of what makes Chuck special.
  4. What about kids at school who actually like Chuck and are Clippers fans? It is important to treat all people with respect.  Even if they are Clipper fans and even if they aren’t creeped out by Chuck.  It is important not to be judgmental and to treat everyone the same, even if they support mascots who wear hipster-style Converses, and wear protective headgear for no reason.
  5. Why did this happen? Because even well-meaning, rich owners do stupid things.  Focus groups, marketing teams, and scouting departments all make mistakes.  The Atlanta Hawks created mix-and-match jerseys.  The Memphis Grizzlies drafted Hasheem Thabeet.  Houston built a team around Dwight Howard and James Harden.  Bright, intelligent people make dumb mistakes, and it is important to study those mistakes lest we repeat them.

Remember parents, every dumb mascot is an opportunity to teach your children valuable life lessons.  Don’t be afraid, get involved!

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